It’s the year of The Epiphany. We’re only a month in to the new year and I’m already discovering my entire life’s purpose. I can’t tell you what it is, but it’s really really good.
Oh my gosh. I wanna tell you so bad what my life’s purpose is. I SO do, but I just can’t. It’d be like blowing the candles out on my birthday cake and then telling you what I wished for. It won’t come true! Everyone knows magic is the key to destiny!
But what I can do is share some new discoveries. I tried to write a song the other day.
Do you know how hard it is to write a song? It’s maybe the worst thing in the world. You can’t listen to music while writing music, because all of a sudden your lyrics are to the tune of “Chandelier” by Sia or the two Bob Dylan songs you’ve been listening to on repeat for the last month. You can’t have any distractions, because all of a sudden you’re dancing to “Chandelier” by Sia (how could you not?) and wishing you had a nude leotard and then you quickly check on Asos if they sell one but you have to remember that you’re 5’9″-ish and who knows if that little Spandex number is gonna stretch in your favor or will it be like the time you bought that jumpsuit and really it just turned in to a wedgie machine and then you wasted more money which honestly should you even be spending money in the first place I mean come on, you’ve been through this a million times regretting stupid purchases like the dress you bought to look like Taylor Swift when she was walking down the street with the band HAIM and really it just looks like a hooker-peasant dress on you.
And really, you have to be in a certain mood to write a song in the first place, like either suicidal or engaged. I’m also pretty sure your name has to be Adele or Prince or something cool like that for anything to work anyways.
It’s very hard to write a song. I don’t know how Patti Smith can be all arty and take drugs and find time to write a book while writing lyrics and keeping her killer bangs relevant at all times.
And then AFTER you write the song you have to put music to it and make the guitar do its thing and the piano do its thing and maybe if you’re feeling funky you need some type of beat! I have a Microsoft Windows 8 computer and an iPhone I can barely figure out. There will be no beats. I’d play my piano but I honestly can’t remember who I sold it to and plus it’s in America, and I’m not. So that leaves the guitar… which I also sold, is in America somewhere, and never learned to play in the first place.
Which means I need to start a band. Let me know if you’re interested.
Here’s some other discoveries I found out in slightly less detail.
Things I recently found I liked that I had no idea I probably liked all along:
Salmon
Circuit training
Taking multiple pictures to prove I’m having a great time
Purplish lipstick
Passionfruit
Toes that aren’t broken
Paying off credit card bills
Things I recently found I hated that I had no idea I probably hated all along:
Broken toes
Not being rich enough to fly wherever I want whenever I want
Chickens that are DISGUSTING visually
Chairs that don’t let me slouch
Internet that has data limits
Data limits
Pants that need a belt when I don’t have a belt
Where Do All My Socks Go?, And Other Stuff 